Monday, May 30, 2011
Funny Jokes
Want Some Funny Jokes but Cant Seem to Find Any Well here is Some Jokes that you can tell Right here
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!
Gravity SUCKS!!
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.
When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.
Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.
Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.
Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
Show off your Batman underwear.
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.
Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".
Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.
Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
Snort when you laugh.
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".
Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
Pretend you're flying the plane.
Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.
Take over the plane with a toy gun.
Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).
To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
From the Late Show with David Letterman
10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein
9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"
8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium
7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"
6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards
5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"
4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"
2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand
1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask
"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson
"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso
"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
Things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over:
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn't taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time...
1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to hare the wealth?with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC...)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a uppy war?with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a uppy?is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)
3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream EE ALL GONNA DIE!?/font>
4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.
5. Two words: Water Pistol
6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes
7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the acetrack?in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.
8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.
9. Purchase a megaphone, uff said.
10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.
11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.
12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fired Chicken.
13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can....
14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.
15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.
16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.
17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.
18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.
19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.
20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!
21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn't get peoples attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.
22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say ever mind...?then drive the point home by farting.
23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.
24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say "Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren't the same these days."
25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you "If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I'm not picky, either would be fine...v
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